She's Not Talking

If she truly wanted people to respect her privacy, she should have disclosed a more professional reason for leaving, such as "I am going to pursue other career opportunities" or "I will be taking some time off to travel/discover my next career path" or "I will be a stay-at-home mom." What she has done instead -- by avoiding the questions -- is to fuel the gossip grapevines and ensure that people will be talking about her for some time to come. Bad move IMHO.

Most people respect the privacy of others, no questions asked.

I don't know what this is a problem for everyone. If she wanted you to to know, she'd tell you. Period.

She's not running for public office so she's not required to divulge her personal business if she chooses not to.

Let's back off and give the woman her space.

I am with ROC on this one.

She seems like a classy young lady who deserves her privacy.

I once knew a guy, a priest, well, really an ex-priest, who had befriended a family member, very friendly indeed. one day he blew his brains out with a gun. we never got to find out why.
would I like to know? sure. will I ever get the satisfaction? probably not.
learn to live with it. so very many things are just not your right to know, or, as Secy Rumsfeld might say, are unknowable. or, as my mother might say: MYOB. consider it a teaching opportunity for you; civilize those kids just a bit.

Sorry to say, but I don't think reposting her previous response as a front page story is a way to "respect her wishes for privacy."

I'm not at all trying to diminish the prerogative of the Barista to post it as a relevant and current news item -- but to dress it up as respecting Ms. Ferrara's wishes just seems a little bit off.

I disagree Appletony. The teacher did choose to post here. I don't think Barista making the post more visible (as in its own story) does anything wrong. In fact, the letter is so clear and honest it may dissuade some of our more "entitled" neighbors to stifle their nosiness.

I'm not saying it's wrong to post it -- just the window dressing that bumping what is now (in internet time) old news is not exactly respecting the privacy request.

You're right that Ms. Ferrara's letter speaks for itself -- she is a real class act and I continue to wish her the best.

I don't see a problem with the Barista posting it. I hadn't noticed her letter in the thread until now. As for owing us some "professional" explanation, I disagree. If she has a private reason to resign, then that's fine. She doesn't owe us a made-up excuse just to make it seem as if she satisfied prurient curiosity.

I would like to say that this woman was obviously a dedicated professional who had the best interest of her students at heart. He choice to not divulge details is hers and hers alone and should be respected by members of the community. Her leaving the classroom is painful for her, so whatever her reasons are let her be. Healing with come with time and if everyone shows some patience I am sure the reasons behind her departure will become known.

I for one, wish her the best of luck and hope that she can find the same joy in her next position in life as she has in the classroom.

Since it's relevant here, I'll repost my last entry from "Teacher Shocker." I hope it explains that there's something other than prurient curiosity involved.

- this turn of events has had such a traumatic effect on the the students and their parents that it's just too callous to say it's none of our business. The two factors that hurt the most were the suddenness of the departure, and the complete lack of an explanation. There's a greiving process going on, similar to (but of course not as heavy as) a death in the family. The grieving parties, our children, need to understand what happened and why. A few day's preparation or even a cover story would have helped a lot. I can appreciate that Dr. Jennings was caught in the middle, but the children's feelings must not be pushed aside.

I have to... gulp... agree with ROC here. It's none of your business. She left for personal reasons. The school board has stated that by no means was she asked to leave. As traumatic as it may be for the kids, it is her business and her business alone. Leave her alone.

Troubadour - whatever grieving process there is involves the students and families ONLY - she already said they could contact her directly. For the rest of us, there is no good reason this issue should be played out on the internet for the whole world to see - that would certainly not help the "grieving process".

I am sure any of us would expect similar respect of our privacy.

Backsore-
OK, I give. I certainly don't want her private business aired here. I just wish the kids had been given more time to absorb the shock. I don't think I'm acting "entitled" when I insist that my child's feelings be respected. Perhaps Ms. F's direct contacts will help the healing.

"She doesn't owe us a made-up excuse just to make it seem as if she satisfied prurient curiosity."

Agreed. Personally, she owes me nothing whatsoever, however
-professionally- she owes her students (and the district) the common courtesy of a proper departure in the manner of an old-fashioned good-bye.

Not only it would have helped these broken-hearted kids, my daughter among them, but it would have discouraged the potential for secrecy and deception all too common at this stage in their lives.

When someone as influential as Stephanie Ferrara says to a 12-year-old on a Friday afternoon, "I'll see you Monday morning," then doesn't show up, leaves word that she's never coming back and enshrouds herself in secrecy might suggest to the kid that is OK to say something, do something else and absolutely refuse to talk about it.

The suggestion that teachers are not required to disclose their reasons for terminating their employment contract because they are not running for high-profile public offices implies a certain condescending tone about their profession. Teachers are salaried employees with professional responsibilities, and if they have any sense of managing a career (versus seeing themselves as an extension of kiddy daycare), they would offer some thoughtful words before departing their employer. I don't think that is too much to ask, nor a violation of one's privacy (I offered some examples in an earlier post, all of which where generic statements of closure that would not reveal precise details).

The suggestion that teachers are not required to disclose their reasons for terminating their employment contract because they are not running for high-profile public offices implies a certain condescending tone about their profession. Teachers are salaried employees with professional responsibilities, and if they have any sense of managing a career (versus seeing themselves as an extension of kiddy daycare), they would offer some thoughtful words about their future plans before departing their employer. I don't think that is too much to ask, nor a violation of one's privacy (I offered some examples in an earlier post, all of which were generic statements of closure that would not reveal precise details).

Jim,

She *did* tell her employer.

"She *did* tell her employer."

And the principal should have generically disclosed to the school community what her future plans were, for closure, and to make this whole thing a non-issue. The abrupt confidentiality only fuels speculation...

No he shouldn't have if it is personal and she didn't want him to.

"The abrupt confidentiality only fuels speculation..."

Among some, certainly.

I know Troubador wrote this, and has since relaxed his/her stance somewhat since writing it, but since the sentiment is relevant to other posters...

The grieving parties, our children, need to understand what happened and why.

Ok, kids, listen up. What happened: a teacher resigned unexpectedly. Why: for personal reasons.

And now, a primer on how to talk to your kids about this subject:

"(Insert son/daughter's name here), in this world, sometimes bad things happen to good people and we never get a good answer as to why. I suggest you get used to it."

I should totally have my own Saturday morning kid's show.

I agree with Captain Vegetable. and it's not as if she died. My 4th grade teacher died while camping over the weekend with his brother; they were asphyxiated by an old-fashioned gas-style refrigerator in the cabin they were staying in. And in 7th grade my English teacher dropped dead of a heart attack one Tuesday night at a PTA meeting. Those are traumatic events. A teacher leaving without a specific explanation is unfortunate but not a tragedy. There is a difference.

I note with pride that avowed conservatives and others of clearly conservative bent support Ms. Ferrara's privacy. Others seem to feel they're somehow "entitled" to know more, to get more information than they'll ever need.

And yes, the good Captain above should have his show. Purely by sounding sensible, he is therefore entitled to it, if only in contrast to the demands of others.

Is every aspect of life - even your kid's 7th grade English teacher - part of the conservative vs. liberal culture war? What part of the conservative playbook says you musn't question when your kid gets hurt? I'm truly puzzled here. Is it some kind of tough love philosophy? ("Get used to it!") Many conservatives seem to resent it when businessmen and other professionals are held accountable for the consequences of their actions. Is that it? It can't be simply privacy. Conservatives don't claim privacy rights for those who want abortions, nor do they object to warrentless wiretaps. Here I am discussing an issue at my child's Jr.high school and I get busted by the Conservative Cops, and charged with the crime of acting "entitled!"

Silly me - I thought this thread would stay free of politics. It's a poison, I tell ya. There's no peace in Baristaville.

I expect the "here today, gone tomorrow with no explanation" phenomenon in corporate settings, not from education institutions. You trolls are too cold-blooded for me.

Troubador, I know what you mean. I am finding this particular website more and more inhospitable-- the level of personal attack and snarkiness is simply overwhelming.

And I do sympathize with your feelings about the teacher's departure. Children need a lot more time, support, and information when working through such a loss than they have been given.

You know what, Troubador, you're right -- the political threads get everybody worked up and then it infects every other thread.

I'll agree with Troubadour there isn't a political angle at all here, I think.

Jim,

It is not cold-bloodedness. Its a matter of propriety. She clearly understands the needs of the kids. So if she needs privacy why can't that need be respected?

Wow, this is amazing. This is not a liberal or conservative thing, or certainly shouldn't devolve into those terms.

RoC stated this well on the previous thread, personnel issues are not part of our (the public) domain. The law is clear on this. We need to leave this woman alone to deal with her life.

For God's sake, she may have cancer, her mother may have cancer, she may have experienced any type of unforeseen circumstances, or she may have won the lottery and is off to the South of France, it is none of anyone's business.

Wish her well, move on.

From all indications Ms. Ferrara truly cares about her students and would not upset them unnecessarily. She has, however, made it clear that her reasons for leaving are personal, and that she does not want to discuss them publicly.

This is not just about your child's morning the loss of a teacher. I can only imagine what pain Ms. Ferrara must be going through, leaving a job that she obviously loves without a chance to say goodbye. She deserves our compassion and sympathy.

Publicly berating her for her decision is cruel and heartless. Give her a break.

Cathar: pitiful, and wrong. I'm no conservative.

I'm sorry there, hi-lites, whatever your politics, are you nonetheless one of those who somehow thinks he/she has a "right" to know more about this matter? Well, that's wrong and I think it's pitiful that you're such a Nosey Parker if that's indeed the case.

As the country song goes (and there is always a country song!), "I don't like it, but I guess things happen that way." Heed Johnny Cash on this one.

This blog has become testy. I can't help but see some coomon threads in the threads, though:

Disturbance in Upper Montclair: Why can't MY kid walk unfettered and unattanded through the street?

Project Graduation: Why can't MY kid have a wham-bang party in eight years?

Alito nomination: Why can't MY kid get birth control/have an abortion/not got to war?

Teacher resignation: Why can't MY kid get a straight answer about what is really none of their business?

Are you people lobbying for your children or yourselves? Some of us, me at least, grew up very differently, sometimes ignored, sometimes under an iron fist, but all in all, not badly. Today I try to raise my kids sanely in an insane world; not over-programming, but not absent, a heavy dose of moderation and a pinch of luck. They're doing pretty well, but I am genuinely concerned for their peers. So if in fact you are speaking for yourself, say so. But frankly the argument of what your children want, need, deserve or are entitled to is, to me, sickening.

cathar, I agreed that the teacher's privacy needs to be respected and I am by no means a conservative (by today's bible-thumping, ram-your-religion-down-my-throat definition anyway... some of us would actually welcome a true conservative, less intrusive government that can balance a budget, but that is not the Bush republican party!). And I think a lot of this website's more liberal posters also agreed.

You're trying to force every issue into a dems vs republicans framework. If the shoe doesn't fit...

i believe the teacher is entitled to her privacy and that the principal was correct in his handling of both her unexpected need to leave the school and of his temporary replacement of her. i am a little disturbed by the unrelenting demand of some of the posters that more information must somehow be channeled to the public. i don't see how more information than has been given will somehow soften the students' sadness.
as a mom, i think it would be more helpful and constructive to give the children actual things to do to help them process this transition. if my child was in this class and was sad and mournful, i would encourage him or her to write a letter to the teacher, expressing sadness at her leaving and perhaps talking about some of the things that made her class so special. then i would bring the letter to the principal and ask him to make sure the teacher got the letter. there are other ways to engage students in an upsetting event that can teach them how to process grief and transition, but that don't require an invasion of privacy, and as parents, we can work together with our children and communities to foster loving, effective, and respectful solutions. as for yesterday's poster (not naming names) who scorned and made fun of the grammar of a 7th grader who posted some thoughts about this whole episode---shame on you. did it occur to you to read the child's post and respond to the thoughts and observations the child wanted to share? or was it just an opportunity for grandstanding: "wow, look at the stupid 12 year old who can't even write perfectly." surely we have a little more kindness and charity in our hearts than that.

Daniella, I wrote "avowed conservatives and others of clearly conservative bent." I was thus paying you a compliment. If the agnomen fits, accept it for the nonce. You wouldn't want to be confused with the seething likes of latebloomer, would you?

cathar, I consider myself liberal on social issues and fiscally conservative... what does that make me, then?

Neither party answers my call, but at least the dems don't turn my stomach nearly as much as the Bushies. Although the current incarnation of the dems turns my stomach too... just not as much.

"I consider myself liberal on social issues and fiscally conservative... what does that make me, then?"

a chimera.

Daniella, I have no idea what designation you should choose for your politics. I merely congratulated you on not linking yourself to those (so many of whom have previously id'ed themselves as lefties) who feel they have some ingrained "right" to know all there may be to know about a teacher's regrettable departure.

Your tummy, in this vein, is your own concern. It will certainly rest easier if you don't, as so many do here, self-churn the acid. On another thread this very morn there was a remark which made, of all slug-bottomed things, a sort of menopausal slur. (I'm still amazed its maker hasn't yet apologized for its scurrilousness.) That way lies madness, however we respond to the "call" of both the two major parties and the many fringe ones.

"I consider myself liberal on social issues and fiscally conservative... what does that make me, then?"

Hard to tell. It usually means you want to eat the dinner but don't want to pay the bill.

Cathar--

I wrote:

"consider it a teaching opportunity for you; civilize those kids just a bit."

Meaning, I agree one does not get to know the details of every story that whets one's curiosity, and it is *not* the right of overbearing parents to satisfy this impulse, however heart-wrenching, in their children.

What's wrong with a little "none of your business," anyway?

And still, I am a liberal.

And still, hi-lites...and still I can only admire your persistence in affirming allegiance to a long-last cause.

Perhaps, too, we can count on you to say in agreement "None of your business" the next time some Dem or other demands to see the transcripts of those taps of al-Qaeda sympathizers here calling their "relatives" in the Old World to discuss the weather in Damascus.

I meant "long lost."

Sorry, Cathar, but that lock-step with the party thing is all yours.

I think the biggest downfall of our democracy is that there are only two major political parties, which makes it too easy for people to categorize everything into "this" or "that", "good" or "bad". We all know life doesn't fall into dictums. Plus, almost no one recognizes the political spectrum (radical, liberal, moderate, conservative, reactionary, etc.....although there are variations on the terms). How is that so?

"Plus, almost no one recognizes the political spectrum"

I do. It's in my very "name". (and accurate too.)

That is interesting Oh my.

I thought having a third party in the 2000 election (Nader, Independent) was the reason the Republicans won the election, because the liberal vote was split.

All talk of a 3 (or more) party system is impractical. The Consitution is hard-wired for 2 parties, there is really no way around it. There is no provision for "coalition government" so any 3rd (minority) party will never have any power. Any third party which arises must "kill off" one of it's "siblings" or die itself.

This process is just beginning in the "liberal party" as we speak. Either the Liberman wing will survive or the Mazie wing will, but both can't "cohabitate" much longer.

p.s.

I think the two party system is a good and moderating force. The party is ascendency at any given moment is usually the more tolerant one, the one with the biggest "tent". This forces moderates and radicals to find common ground under a common banner and an agreement on some (perhaps) "core" values.

If you look at parliamentary systems the usually become a complex landscape of myriad parties and myriad special interests (one-issue voters). This usually (I think) means political, and even cultural stagnation and incapacitation. (witness Europe).

So, hats off to Jefferson, et. al. for a job well done!

...The party in ascendency...

Hard to tell. It usually means you want to eat the dinner but don't want to pay the bill.

LOL - that was funny, ROC.

I think most people here don't know that NJ is a state that does not require notice or justification for firings or quitting one's job.

While Ms. Ferrara's departure could have happened in a more ideal manner, it is the parent's responsibility to facilitate closure.

Thanks daniella, i wanted it to be funny but I was quite serious as well.

oh, and people in my income bracket* tend to be the ones paying the bill... for everybody.

**make enough money to have a hefty tax bill, but not enough to be able to take advantage of any creative tax shelters.. not that I'm bitching too much - I know there are people out there with much bigger problems than the $4K I owe to Uncle Sam this year on 4/15

I hear ya, Daniella. I get ill when I get my paycheck and see the "gross" vs. "net" column.

The socially liberal AND fiscally liberal person says, "let's have universal healthcare and we'll all pay higher taxes for it".

The socially liberal and fiscally "conservative" person says, "let's have universal healthcare and find a way to make someone else pay for it".

(the walleroo person says, "just give me the damn free insurance so I can quit this lousy job!")

Gee, a category of my own. I've always wanted a category of my own.

no, a socially liberal person says "keep your bible in your church where it belongs, keep your version of morality out of my personal medical decisions, stay out of my bedroom and let me buy my booze on Sundays!!!"

Amen, Sistah!

Fran,

Whatever catastrophic reason is behind the abrupt departure of this remarkable young woman is indeed her business. I share Troubador's concern regarding the kid's feelings and I am in agreement with Jim, that the matter could have been handled in a more professional way. How?

She could have drafted a little note for the kids, hand it or e-mail it to Mr. Jennings and ask him to read it to the kids. (The kids were rounded up in the auditorium and given the news by Mr. Jennings, anyway.) Or she could have showed up herself and give them the news.

I don't think it is fair, professional or classy to slam the door on someone's nose, let alone a child, without a justification (yes, even a made up one). But that's me.

I was glad to learn by Mr. Jennings (I attended the meeting for the parents on Tuesday morning) that Ms. Ferrara is in good health, that everybody in her family is in good health, that she's not in legal trouble, that the matter has nothing to do with her credentials and that one day she'll be back.

Having said it, I wish to reiterate that whatever happened is entirely her business, and she is most welcome to keep it so.

On a more positive note, my daughter informs me that she and other students have been contacted by Ms. Ferrara, they have said their good-byes and the healing process has began.