St. Patrick's Day In Baristaville

Just came back from the St. Pat's Day parade in NYC. Just amazing. I think thre are more people out this year than last. You can't even move on 5th Avenue. Saw two "colleens" from Birmingham, England, this morning. One was celebrating her 50th birthday. They were all decked out and both wore hats that looked liked tiny Guinness pints. Took some cell phone photos and will try toupload later.

Cops are already writing DWI tickets. Today all the rookies and people who go out one time a year will be filling up the local bars. Nothing worse than a hangover on Tuesday morning. Stay home.

O'Malley is drivin' home from the pub when all of a sudden there is a tree in the middle of the road. Swait Jaysus he says and swerves to avoid it. He then comes upon another tree and another and another "what in the name of the holy ghost is goin on" he says. Finally he is pulled over by the constable who says O'Malley what in hell is goin on your swervin all over the road. o'Malley says Aye, but tisn't me fault someone has planted a forest in the middle of the road. the constable looks down the road then into the car and says O'MALLEY- your'e drunk again. That's the air freshner hanging from your rearview mirror.

I'm with Khan on this. DWI's are no trivial matter anymore.

Here's my favorit St. Patrick day story.

About 15 years ago, my wife and I were at our friends annual St. Pats party.

We normally get a little tipsy at this thing but this time my wife was going for broke. She drank a shit load of wine and was swaying and slurring in the kitchen.

I get a load of wifey and "It's time to go home now". We say our goodbyes and hit the road. About 10 minutes into the trip home she starts rolling down her window but doesn't quite manage to get it down all the way, then she hurls all of the wine and a good bit of corned beef all over the window, door, floor, seat - you name it.

We get home and I get her to bed, then I go look at the damage. I was suddenly struck by the idea that this must be what it looks like when somebody get's their brains blown out in a car, with the wine and bits of meat all over everything. Good God, what a mess.

I never did quite get everyting entirely clean and every time we got in that car I remember the St. Patrick's day "hit".

Back in the day, if you were from town, and got pulled over close to home, the cops would make you finish up the rest of the trip on foot, provided you could actually stand. But that's when a lot of cops actually lived in town. Now, if you see red lights in the rearview, you know you are going to the slammer. if you live within walking distance to a bar, go have a couple. if not, take a cab or stay home. You're not missing anything. All the "veteran" drinkers stay out of the bars and let the rookies have their day.

"This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever."

- Sigmund Freud on the Irish

Peter King from Sports Illustrated in his MMQB column today, recommended Tierney's. I'm getting thirsty.

One of the best lines ever in the Sopranos was where one of the boys was retelling a nightmare he had the night before about where he kept waking up and every day was St. Patrick's Day.

Despite my largely Irish heritage, it's simply my least favorite day of the year. Is there any other ethnic group that has a holiday where they parade down the street every negative stereotype that anyone has ever held about them? (Imagine a million Italians parading down Fifth Avenue wearing wifebeater tees with big fake red sauce stains, juggling meatballs, wearing red white and green berets singing Volare.) And while the trains full of drunk high school kids from Long Island and New Jersey stumbling around Manhattan is bad enough, it's the drunken firemen and cops -- in uniform -- that make the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I mean, c'mon buddy . . .your 42 years old, have kids at home, what with the slobbering drunk, falling off the barstool routine for the millionth time? Just a stoopid stoopid day all around. I can't wait to see what the trains home look like. If you're lucky no puke smell.

mets2008,
I think that was Christopher, who'd just had a brush with death and after life experience, describing hell.

There was this newly arrived novitiate,young,fresh and eager to please, who was summoned by her Mother Superior to assist the aging Sr. Maureen on her daily round of errands in the local village.. So 'tis off they go with young Sr. Bridget studiously taking note of each and every road and stop they made as they pedaled their way about,on the convents two ancient bicycles.After a time they finished their tasks and stopped for a spell for the customary cup o' tay. Upon heading back to the convent, Sr Bridget took the lead only to find that a road they had taken was now impassable, due to heavy repairs going on.Sr Maureen tells her not to worry she knows another way, so off they go again winding and careening down some obscure back roads in a manner that gives young Sr. Bridget cause for concern. Somewhat breathlessly she calls out to Sr Maureen and says "I've never come this way before". "Don't you be alarmed now" says Sr. Maureen " 'Tis those lovely cobble stones....."

partick was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Patrick asked. "Well didn't ya know, patrick, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

So...Sister Mary and sister Philomena, two Irish nuns who haven't been on holiday since god knows when, decide to go on a little trip together to Transylvania. They get off the flight and rent a little car to go motor around the countryside. They haven't been driving for 5 minutes when a tiny vampire jumps on to the cars hood ornament. "Sister Philomena" says sister Mary, "there's a little vampire on the hood. What shall I do?" "Oh No." says sister Philomena, "Drive faster. Sister Mary slams it into 6th and they fly off down the road. The little vampire looses his grip and rolls up the hood and on to the windscreen, grabbing hold of the wipers in the nick of time." oh gosh" says Mary, "now he's on the wipers, what'll I do?" "Turn the wipers on fast!" says Philomena. So there they are ripping down a little dirt road in the sun with the wipers on. "He's not comming off!" Says Mary. "Spray 'im With the sprayers!" Suggests Philomena. On go's the water and the tine vampire's soaking wet and grinning at them with him little teeth going back and forth and back and forth. "He's still there!" says sister Mary. "Show him your cross," says sister Philomena, "show him your cross!" So sister Mary rolls down her window and leans out and says, "Feck off your little bugger!"

Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. "well, how can I help you little people?" asked mother superior. the larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "oh mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?" "No," says mother superior, "I don't have any midget nuns here at the convent" "all right than, mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland than?" "no, no," replied mother superior, "I don't know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all." "Well than mother superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, than, of any midget nuns?' "No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" replied mother superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?" The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said "see, its as I told you all along, you've been dating a Penguin"

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.
"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Gotta agree that St. Patrick's Day is amateur hour. Egan's is already a mob scene of drunk middleagers ... creepily and lamely hitting on everyone under 30 and female. It will definitely be even worse with the amateurs.
It's the perfect night to NOT go out.

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

I plan to stay home, take it easy and feed the kids Lucky Charms for dinner.

I'm going to stay home and write a story that should have been written a week ago. Ugh. I'd rather be drunk.

Walking thru the PABT one March 17 night. Here comes a man and woman, maybe mid-60s. Bright green Banlon sweaters, little plastic bowlers, carnations. Big red-veined noses. Weavin' from side-to-side. Very nice. Like seeing your parents drunk when you were a kid.

I love St. Pat's Day. I love the Irish (I'm marrying one), I love the color green, I love Guinness, I love bagpipes, Celtic music, shamrocks, Irish dancing, you mae it.

mae=name

And I haven't even had a drink yet!

In Ireland, walleroo, the proper way to celebrate the Saint's day is with mass, the Eucharist and perhaps a spot of breakfast afterwards, including both black and white puddings. It is a day OFF from the drink for many.

So I hope you'd really rather not be sodden today.

I was drunk Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. I think I'll be sitting this one out and eat some lucky charms for dinner myself.
Besides, I am too old to be standing while drinking and I can't imagine excellent seating at Tierney's tonight.

funny stuff

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/2008/03/16/89-saint-patricks-day/

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Oh! Whiskey your the devil....

O'Malley was tending bar one evening, with only one of the regulars sitting at the bar, somehwat in his cups. Another gent walks in, sits down next to the drunk, and orders a round for both of them.

"So where'rye from," asks the drunk at the bar.

"Tipperary," replies the newcomer.

"What a coincidence! So am I. What parish?"

"St. Margaret's" is the reply.

"That's amazin'" says the drunk. I attended that church and the school."

"Would ye be knowin' Johnny Farrell, then?" he is asked.

"Johnny Farrell? He is one of my best friends. Known him all his life."

Just then the phone rings and O'Malley answers it. "What's goin' on?" asks the caller.

"Nothin' much." O'Malley replies. "The Murphy twins are here and they're both pretty well loaded."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are stranded in a forest for weeks, and are near death from starvation. One day, as they're about to pass away, they notice a wounded deer and, working together, they kill it with a rock and prepare to eat it.
However, they have to decide how to apportion the carcass.
The Englishman has a suggestion:
"Why don't we distribute the meat according to which football we support? I support Liverpool, so I'll have the liver!"
"Right!", says the Scotsman. "I support Hearts, so I'll have the heart!"
"Well," says the Irishman, "I support Arsenal, but I'm not that hungry."

What happens, croiagusanam, if one is a Rangers or Aston Villa fan?