Guest post by local mom Leian Welch...
This economy presents a perfect opportunity to point kids away from the big birthday party every year--at home or elsewhere--and to find other ways of celebrating. I mean, really. Does a kid have to have a party every year? I feel like we do it because it's expected by other adults and other kids and, of course, our kids. No one wants to be the mom of the kid who's not having a party.
Well, I'm that mom. For our daughter's 5th birthday last February, we explained in advance that there were different ways to celebrate her special day and that a party was not going to be one of them. But we--mom, dad, baby brother--would do whatever she wanted to do for the day. The whole day was hers.
She planned her day as follows:
Mommy making her favorite breakfast, chocolate chip pancakes (see Diana post-pancakes, left), followed by a trip to the Brooklyn Children's Museum for the day. Then Chinese takeout for dinner while we all watched a Scooby-Doo movie.
We had cake and presents for her, and at the end of the day, she said she loved her special day.
Her 6th birthday is next month. She didn't ask for a party this year. She asked for chocolate waffles and bacon. We're going to surprise her with a family activity. She's excited, but she doesn't want to know. I have a few fun ideas.
I'd like to show our kids other more meaningful and/or more unique ways of celebrating their special days. And it was a lot less stressful because I was focused on my daughter and not on 20 other kids and/or their parents.
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Comments (25)
The headline here should read:
"LOCAL MOM HATES DAUGHTER!"
It sounds like the little girl had a lovely day. I do think, though, that kids' parties are an early lesson in socialization for children, so I wouldn't want to see them go away completely.
good luck with that past seven years old...
Dear kid, we love you so much that this year we're going to celebrate your birthday by doing what we'd do anyway.
Is there any doubt that psychotherapists will be in demand for many, many years to come?
I'm astounded by the hostility this article is generating. Todays birthday parties have gotten way out of hand. Not everyone has hundreds of dollars to spend on a kids party. Nor does everyone believe it's the right way to spend one's money. This mother told her daughter they would do whatever she wanted and as a result the daughter had a nice birthday and the family spent a nice day together. I for one applaud this mother for not caving in to societal pressure. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. But can we at least be nice about expressing our opinions. I wonder what kind of values such hostile and judgmental people are teaching their children.
Hey Laurie,
We have days where the little prof gets to decide what we'll do-- it's called THE WEEKEND.
Mr. Roo has it right (and laugh out loud funny!) with:
"Dear kid, we love you so much that this year we're going to celebrate your birthday by doing what we'd do anyway."
As for money, you have all year to save it up and waste it at "The Little Gym," "Unbelieva-bills" or the Little Y.
Remember, birthday parties are a competition!!
You let your child decide what you're going to do all weekend? That's crazy! What if he wanted to go see a family music concert? Huh huh, what would you do then?
Should I assume your reply is just a joke? Because, especially in this current economy, where so many people have no jobs or don't know if they will have a job, to suggest that people save their money for birthday parties rather than things like, say, dental visits or college funds, seems rather insensitive. And your last line about birthday parties being a competition has to be sarcasm. They do seem to be that way these days, but all the more reason to stop it. In other words, your child isn't even the point, topping your friends is the goal. I really hope that's no one's motivation in throwing their child a party.
I know it's a personal choice but birthday parties don't have to cost a fortune. How much could it cost to have, say, a dozen kids over to your house to eat burgers and hotdogs? Or sushi and brown rice if you're so inclined? For dessert, they can make their own sundaes. We did this when we were kids. I don't remember anything fancy.
If your kid is artistically inclined, you can have an art party where everyone creates something to take home.
It doesn't have to be a big production is what I'm trying to say. The kids really just want to hang with their friends, that's all.
Yes, the problem really isn't the parties, but the idea that they have to involve expensive entertainment. Kids don't think that way, after all. One of our most popular party moves ever involved getting a couple of big cardboard boxes (wardrobe size), cutting out window openings and lining them up in the backyard for a train-theme birthday party. Mind you, the boxes were a train wreck by the time the kids were done...
That sounds like a wonderful way to spend a birthday. It even sounds like the child in question actually enjoyed herself. Not every kid (even past seven) wants a party.
A lot of my high school students opt for a special day out (or in) with a few friends instead of a big 16th or Quinceanera. Others want a big celebration with lots of people.
My favorite birthday parties when little were when we would have huge treasure hunts - around a story where you had to solve a mystery, with clues and everything. food was sandwiches, fruit and cake, and I can't imagine it was expensive, it just took tons of (my moms) time to plan, and time to clean up!
Kids parties today can seem so much about the convenience, the "show" and impressing the other parents.
Well done you for having a birthday that suited you and your daughter, and asking her what she'd actually enjoy doing, it just feels a little sad that a "party" was ruled out.
Love it! There are many ways to make a kid feel special. Parties are great, and I don't mind springing for a more sizable shindig now and then, but I agree that things are over the top with some of the kids' parties. There's the museum, zoo, Liberty Science, a play, a sporting event, etc., especially for kids around that age. I would suggest adding a friend or two so they can share the fun.
My daughter, who is older than Leian's daughter, is keeping it simple this year. She's having her five closest pals over for games and a movie, some pizza, and then they'll decorate cupcakes.
Dear Laurie Diane Orosz,
I am sure what seems superficially like an accusation of misconduct is merely a misunderstanding. Nobody is hostile here. I have seen no evidence of jokes or sarcasm. However, forgive me for wondering if perhaps you require some assistance in budgeting for a birthday party, and to offer this meager attempt at a guide:
Box cake: $4.95
Icing: $1.99
Candles: $.49
Matches: $.25 (or you can steal them from the bar at Charlie Brown's, though you may first have to buy a pint of Guinness at $6)
Case of soda: $12.99
Paper plates: $3.99
Plastic forks: $2.99
Pizza for 10: $25.00 plus tip for delivery
Yours sincerely,
Metternicht von Klink-Walleroo M.D., Ph.D., Duke of Saxe-Altenburg
As long as your child cries during the celebration you know you've created a genuine birthday experience.
They always cry at their parties. At least until the double digit years.
I completely agree with Laurie. I personally think birthday parties have gotten out of hand. Most people I know honestly spend a small fortune on their children's parties. They feel to the need to invite their child's entire classroom instead of a few good friends. And then there are the goody bags. Most of the stuff my kids come home with is junk that either breaks within the first day or gets thrown out by the third - and it all costs...especially when you are buying it for 25 kids! I'm all for the family party or one with a few close friends - spend the money on a special day instead of a bunch of kids that your child does not even care about! And for the person who thinks this won't work past the age of 7...give it a try. My daughter wanted a very small party for her 11th birthday!
I ask my kids if they want a party or not. One does, the other doesn't. It is a lot of social pressure for some kids that they don't need on their birthday. Some would rather spend the day one on one with their parents or a friend and some like parties.
If you don't want to go over the top with the party, just add some guidelines. When my oldest was in kindergarten, the teacher suggested that rather than have these huge stress inducing shindigs, you only let the kid invite as many kids as his/her age. That has worked so well at keeping things manageable for me. This year, my 8 yo decided he just wanted to have 3 friends over for lunch and about 4 hours of consecutive video games....fine with me. cheap, easy and fun for them.
I often think the over the top parties are more for the parents to show off or because the parents don't have time to put the party together by themselves and just want to pay someone else to do it. Either way, if the kids likes it and they can afford it, fine. But, you shouldn't feel you need to keep up with the Jonses. Really, who cares as long as your kid is happy.
One of my kids is a real wheeler-dealer type. His idea at the ripe old age of six was to ask for the money we would have spent on a party. That's what he wanted for a gift - the cash! He had no interest in the party at all.I almost fell over.
So we calculated a reasonable number and included the amount we would have spent on a gift (also his request). He was the happiest kid on the planet. We took him out to dinner at the restaurant of his choosing and had a cake at home. Everybody was happy except for the friends who knew it had been his birthday and thought they were not invited to the party. We had to send out emails explaining that HE chose not to have one.
Turns out he hated the parties because he doesn't like to be the center of attention. He currently (several years later) has several hundred dollars saved up in a bank account. (We thought he'd go for a shopping spree at toys-r-us. Go figure.)
NOTE TO DR. WALLEROO - I wish we had your budget post back then...we could have saved a few bucks.
I think the fact that the child in question here did NOT request a party this year, but rather wanted a repeat of the non-party year, says it all.
Absolutely, ViV. Let the kids decide!
"Well, Little Johnny, it's time to plan your birthday celebration again. What would you like to do this year? Remember, your 5th birthday is very special! Should we drive through horrible traffic to Chuck E. Cheese and celebrate under the cold florescent lights with throngs of other unpleasant kids who might try and steal your pizza? Or should we do what we did last year..."
I've always been a big fan of home birthdays. Five of my daughter's six parties have been in the backyard, taking advantage of her month of June. My son's bring with them snow, ice, or melting mud (March) but all have been at home, too. Often these cost a little less than the parties at palaces that we've certainly gone to and enjoyed, but the real motivation for me is that our kids just love having a big group of friends over to see them on their home turf on their special day. I think they would miss this part of the whole tradition. However, if they didn't, or if circumstances made an all out shebang prohibitive for one reason another, I think the way Leian celebrated Diana's special day sounds wonderful. What counts is that we're tuned into what makes our child feel worth celebrating--not the exact way in which we do it. And God save us all from a generation so entitled that the lack of a trip to the Little Gym and goody bags necessitates therapy years later :)
jennymilch wins the Peace Maker of the Day Award.
Leian - your idea sounds lovely. We own a party store, and parties are always begun with "what will the other parents think" in mind.
However - will you daughter question you not giving her a party - remember it's all about her, not about her friends or her parents or her friend's parents. If she doesn't want a party, fine - but if she feels she is losing out by not having one, she'll remember that.
Some ideas:
First - the proper etiquette is 1 friend invited for each year of the child's life. A 4 year old should have 4 friends, 5 year old 5 etc. So problem number one occurs immediately when more than that number is invited, and from what I can see - always more than that number is invited. Too much for the kids and the parents.
Second - small is always better. Weddings should be the first huge celebration in a person's life right after whatever religious celebration they may have celebrated in their teen years. Birthdays come every single year - they are not supposed to be a once in a lifetime celebrations every single year.
"... the proper etiquette is 1 friend invited for each year of the child's life. "
"small is always better"
"Weddings should be the first huge celebration in a person's life"
Who says?
Is that in the Party Store Owner handbook?
I don't think there is anything wrong with having a HUGE birthday celebration (especially considering how hard some couples have tried to have kids, if they want a blow-out party to celebrate their gift- God Bless 'em.)
A kid can be spoiled with 4 friends in the basement, or 30 kids at the Funplex. The parents and the home are what spoils a kid.
Not whether or not they have a big or small party.
Moreover, since 50% of marriages end in divorce, your idea of a wedding seems outdated.
Because I heard that a person's second divorce party is supposed to be the first hug celebration.
Hi Prof - that's from the Queen of Etiquette herself, Miss Manners - is that Judith Martin? I can't remember. If you want a huge party because you and your child love that sort of thing - not because that's how your neighbors do it - then I say go for it!
Love your idea for the second marriage party.